


Feel Again

by LadyAikaterina



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, M/M, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 14:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3070979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAikaterina/pseuds/LadyAikaterina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years ago, Levi made the worst mistake of his life. On the cusp of Eren's deployment into the military, Levi leaves him behind, breaking off all ties with his high school sweetheart. Months of sorrow and regret turns into years, and a single newspaper headline turns Levi's New Years Eve into the biggest marathon of his entire life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feel Again

**Author's Note:**

> So this is literally something that I just started writing for the hell of it. I haven't written in a while, and I wanted to get this done by today and not leave it hanging like a lot of my other writing. It is unbetad, so there are likely to be lots of mistakes and things that don't make sense.
> 
> However, I hope you enjoy it and I hope that everyone has a fantastic New Years Eve!
> 
> You can follow me on tumblr at ladyaikaterina.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you for reading! I love comments so I know if i'm doing things right or not!
> 
> Inspiration for this fic came from his song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JAElYCiFCM

I don’t think that I’ve ever moved so quickly in my life. The second I read the headline of the morning paper, I was on my feet. Usually, I would pay so much more attention to my hygiene, but a quick, scalding shower and a towel dry seemed to sate the familiar ache for the moment. My mind was on something far more important and I truly couldn’t give more of a damn. 

I found myself in my usual attire, a pair of skinny jeans, a button down collared shirt, one of my many, many scarves, and my favorite worn leather jacket. I spent the minimal amount of time to pull my hair up into a long ponytail, my fingers running across the undercut underneath. I fluffed out my bangs with my fingers, and grabbed my keys from the counter while I pulled on a pair of converse.

A familiar meow broke me out of my rush and I paused with my hand on the door knob, staring down the savannah cat who was meowing at me from the top of the couch. It clicked then.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Slick,” I breathed, running through the kitchen and skidding to a halt, nearly slipping on the floors as I threw open one of the cupboards. I filled the cat’s food bowl and replaced the water before I started toward the door once again.

Another meow.

My heart sunk. I just wanted to leave, but I couldn’t start being a shitty parent now, could I?

My feet carried me over from the door again and I started to shower the needy feline with the attention he wanted. I scratched his ears, rubbed his shoulders, stroked his back, and once he was satisfied he leaned away and went to busy himself with his food dishes.

Finally.

And I was off. I took the stairs down two and three at a time, running through the lobby of the high rise apartment building, ignoring one of the receptionists who yelled at me to slow down when I nearly bowled him over.

Get out of my way. I’m on a damn mission, here.

Hanji met me right outside the doors, Erwin and Mike in tow, a bright smile on her features.

“Levi, did you see -”

“Yes, Shit Glasses, I did,” and with that I was turning on my heel starting down the street. I should have known that I wouldn’t get far, though. A hand clasped around my ponytail, keeping me from moving too far lest I wanted my hair ripped out of my head. I let out a cry of irritation, “Damnit, Erwin, let me go!”

The blonde man gave me a small ‘hmph’, letting my hair go and then grabbing my shoulder, “Tell us where to start. Trost is massive. You can’t search by yourself.”

“And we aren’t going to let you!” Hanji piped up, Mike giving a silent nod from beside her.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, staring hard at the pavement. “Start with the Wall Rose Cafe or Sasha’s Diner,” I ground out, my irritation spiking. Everyone wanted to stop me this morning. First my cat, then my friends. Though, I guess I couldn’t blame them, they just wanted to help look for him.

I didn’t say anything more, starting off in the opposite direction of my friends. 

I needed to find him.

I needed to find Eren.

I can’t say that I deserved to find him, though.

Both of us grew up in a small town called Shiganshina, and we had been together since high school. I graduated a year before he did, and I went to Trost University doing general studies while I waited for Eren to graduate and follow me there. We’d had a plan since Freshman year that we would go to the same college. At the time, he’d wanted to study English and I’d had my heart set on Theater Arts and Acting. We had everything planned out. We were going to finish out our time at TU and then settle down in the city. There were a lot of jobs there for our prospective careers, and we both couldn’t deny the draw that the city had.

But things didn’t go as we had planned it. My year at Trost had brought me new friends, and I’d found before long that I was distancing myself from Eren. Even with the constant weekend visits in which he would drive himself to Trost or I would find my way back to Shiganshina. I’d put a rift there and I hadn’t even realized it. He must have felt it too, because right after his graduation, when I was driving him back to his house, he told me that he’d had a change of heart. He didn’t want to go to college. He’d enlisted into the military and was leaving the next morning. I don’t think that I’d ever felt so broken, and I took it out on him. I left him crying in the driveway of his own home, and I didn’t look back.

Of course, with such a harsh break up, there comes a lot of remorse. However, it actually took me quite some time to set aside my pride and beg Eren’s mother for his mailing address. It didn’t take as long as I thought to wear the stubborn woman down, and she hadn’t spoken to me since. In each letter that I sent off to him, I described some place that we had gone together and shared a fond memory from my point of view. I hoped that maybe it would strike a chord with him and maybe he’d get back to me. When I was met with only radio silence, I silently hoped that maybe they’d just gotten lost or Carla had given me the wrong address. I didn’t want to admit that I’d fucked us up, and maybe I didn’t deserve any semblance of forgiveness.

I don’t know why I thought that maybe today, on the day that he was returning home from five years of service, he would forgive me. I don’t know why I reacted as I had to the headline in the newspaper about the heroes who were returning to their families. All I knew was that I needed to find him. I needed to tell him that I had never really given up on us and that I had just been angry, emotional, childishly upset over something that really shouldn’t have mattered when I was so very in love with him. I should have been there to see him off. I could only imagine the look of agony on his features when he realized that I really wasn’t going to come to see him off.

My feet hit the pavement harder than they probably should and I ducked between people and under trays of food and coffee, avoiding children on the street and even jumping over a bench or two when I found my path blocked by the unfortunate objects. I didn’t have time to stop. I needed to find him, even if I had to run all the way back to my apartment, get in my car, and drive to Shiganshina.

No. That wouldn’t work. I hadn’t had a car in a few years. I walked everywhere now.

I barely glanced at street signs or paid attention to cross walks. I’m pretty sure that I almost got hit by a few cars, but at least if I died in the street I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never saw Eren again. And if he hadn’t even read any of my letters, if he’d ripped them up or burned them, then he wouldn’t ever have to feel guilty if he saw my face in the obituaries.

My first stop was the park across from the University. It’s where I’d taken Eren when he’d visited for the first time. We’d spent hours just lazing on the Merry-Go-Round, spinning in circles and pointing out the clouds in the sky until it was dark. Then we started to put together the constellations. We talked about nothing of true importance, but I still remembered everything he said. I always hung on to his every word, and staring wistfully at the empty playground equipment, I couldn’t help but recall everything about that day.

_The sun had just set below the horizon and the stars were starting to dot the sky. Eren lay across the center of the merry-go-round and my head was against his chest. I’d been silently cursing his height for most of the day. Now that he was on my level, though, it was that much easier to just focus on him. I watched his expressions in silence, taking in the way he smiled when something excited him or laughed when I made a witty remark. He hadn’t caught me by then, and to be honest, I don’t think he’d even looked my direction most of the day._

_If I was honest, it was really starting to piss me off. He was leaving in the morning and we’d literally talked about nothing important. I’d avoided the subject of school, and that seemed to be where the tiny rift had formed. He was determined to avoid any subject that might be personal, and I understood that it was my fault._

_The distance was already taking its toll._

_I lifted myself up a little bit, reaching over to his other side and twining my fingers with his. He finally looked at me then, though he didn’t say anything. I vaguely recall him rattling off something about stars and how the city light always made them fade. Frowning at me, he reached up with his free hand and brushed the hair away from my forehead._

_“Your hair’s getting long,” he commented uselessly, my irritation was probably a little too obvious to him._

_I leaned my head away, glaring down at him stubbornly. “Why haven’t you even looked my direction today, Eren?” I sighed, my brow furrowed in frustration._

_His features took on the same expression and he looked back toward the sky. Growling, I grabbed his skin and forced him to look me in the eye, refusing to let him go._

_Bad idea._

_He’d always been stronger than me._

_In a matter of seconds he had me pinned under him and he was staring down at me with an expression that I’d never seen before. I’d seen him angry before, yes, but this was a different type of anger._

_“Because I have to go back home tomorrow. I just know that if I watch you as much as I want to today, it’s just going to hurt that much worse when I get in the car tomorrow,” he sighed, reaching down to cup my cheek. I squeezed my eyes shut, not really wanting to recall that he was, in fact, leaving in the morning. “Levi,” he said in a low voice, leaning down to press a small kiss against the corner of my mouth._

_When I opened my eyes, all I could see was a sea of green and so much emotion. “It’s… hard for me too,” I said with a soft sigh, “I’m not used to being away from home or you. It’s harder being away from you.”_

_Eren sighed then, resting his forehead against mine, watching my eyes. “We’ll get through this. You could be a million miles away and I’d still love you. I’d still want to be with you. Don’t take my stupid need to be unresponsive to heart, Levi. It’s just one year, then we’ll have each other like this all we want, right?”_

_“Yeah. Yeah, it’s just a year. But you have to stop doing…” I motioned to all of him, “That. Don’t avoid looking at me. Contrary to popular belief, I like being stared at.”_

_Eren’s chuckle was warm as he pressed multiple kisses against my forehead and cheeks before catching my lips. We kissed lazily for a while, simply enjoying the few hours of coherence that we had left before I forced us to move out of the cold and back to my apartment._

Tears stung my eyes and I tried not to let my disappointment get to me. I simply turned away from the park, by breathing and my heartbeat picking up just a little bit more as I started back down the sidewalk. I took my time this time, not ready to meet the next location and feel the same sinking feeling that seemed to be pulling me downward with every step. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, focusing straight ahead.

I knew where I was going next, and it was quite the distance, but that didn’t stop me. I refused to wait for the bus. They always took too long and they had to stop on every damn street and I didn’t have the time or patience to wait. Besides, I wasn’t even sure if they were running on New Years Eve and I didn’t want to deal with the crowds if they were. Determined and pushing down apprehension, I picked up my pace, the bitter December chill starting to eat through my jacket and scarf. I silently cursed myself for forgetting my gloves. Instead, I shoved my hands in my pocket, starting to chew nervously on the inside of my cheek.

It took less time than I thought to make it to the pet store where I’d found Slick. Eren had bought him for me as an apartment warming gift, and even after we’d adopted the kitten, he hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d vowed that he’d get a part time job there when he moved into the city just so he could keep all of the little animals company. Most of the time, if we’d gotten into a fight when he was in town, I’d find him in the pet shop with a kitten or puppy in his lap.

I pushed in through the doors of the small shop, giving a small smile at the owner. He smiled back, greeting me by name and asking if I needed anything for Slick. I simply shook my head no and started toward the back of the store where the larger animals were kennelled. The small play area was empty of human individuals, but the puppies who inhabited the fenced area ran right toward the gate. I tried not to let the sadness claw at my chest any more than it already was, opting to sit in the pen with the puppies and give them a little bit of love.

Finally deciding that I needed to get going, I was soon walking the streets again, ignoring the incessant ringing of my phone. I didn’t want to deal with Hanji, and to be honest, I’d sent them to places that Eren had actually hated to go to when he came into town. My feeble attempts to put distance between myself and the people who cared about me once again.

How well had that worked out for me before, huh?

I’m such an idiot.

Finally the ringing annoyed me enough that I ripped my phone from my pocket to look through all of the text messages that Hanji and Erwin had blown my phone up with.

**Hanji (12:37pm, 12/31/14)  
Nothing @ cafe.**

**Erwin (12:39pm, 12/31/14)  
Nothing at the diner.**

**Hanji (12:45pm, 12/13/14)  
Where else should we look?**

**Hanji (12:47pm, 12/13/14)  
Levi?**

**Hanji (12:50pm, 12/13/14)  
Levi! Answer me!**

**Erwin (1:01pm, 12/31/14)  
Did you send us on a wild goose chase so we would leave you alone?**

**Mike (1:05pm, 12/31/14)  
I’ve stolen both their phones. Good luck.**

Thank fucking goodness for Mike. If they’d kept it up, I would probably have aborted my mission and gone to strangle them instead. I glanced at the time, chewing on the inside of my cheek again. It was 1:10pm now, and there were still so many places to look… and to hope.

I was running again. My lungs were burning. My legs were screaming. My eyes stung. Yet I still couldn’t give a damn.

I don’t know how many more places that I found myself at. I searched every single place that we used to hang around. I asked the people who had known him in town. I showed his picture, hoping the entire time that maybe I’d get lucky and someone would have spotted him. With every empty location or shake of the head I felt my heart shatter just a bit more. By the time it hit eight, I’d pretty much given up and started to head back to my apartment, hands in my pockets and my head down. I didn’t make it that far, because before long there was an arm looping through mine.

Hanji’s voice cut through my thoughts, “Come on, Levi, let’s get you something to eat.”

“Not hungry,” I muttered, rather pitifully, if I might add. I didn’t want to go anywhere else. I just wanted to crawl into bed and ignore everything.

“Too bad,” Mike’s voice cut in, his arm looping through my other arm. When I tried to plant my feet into the ground and refuse to move, Erwin pushed me forward from behind, giving a slight grunt of acknowledgement.

I sighed heavily, giving up, “Fine. Where are we going?”

Hanji sounded far too excited for my tastes, but that was probably because I was tired, upset, and ready to curl into a ball and cry. I didn’t cry often, but I had cried over Eren so much and so often over the past few years that I was starting to feel like a crybaby. And that made me even more angry.

“We’re going to the Square for the New Years Eve party. Theres a lot of food and a lot of drinks, so get as trashed as you want,” Hanji said simply, continuing on to chatter about something else. I’d stopped listening. Drinking my sorrows away actually sounded like a really good idea right about now. That is, if I could even stomach anything.

This walk was warmer than all of the others I’d taken that day and I found myself leaning more and more into my friends, my teeth chattering slightly whenever a gust of wind rushed past. Finally, Erwin took off his hat and stuck it on my head and Mike handed me my gloves.

“Hot chocolate actually s-sounds better,” I piped up as we made it to the square. Hanji just gave a small nod and lead me off to one of the food carts while Erwin and Mike went to scout out the perfect places to sit.

Trost was large, yes, but it wasn’t nearly as big as other cities around the country. In fact, it was still small enough of a city that one could comfortably learn all the names of the locals and feel like part of the community in very little time at all. The city square was set up with hundreds of tables and chairs. There were lights strung through all the trees, paper decorations littering every free surface. There was a vendor selling sparklers and other small, non lethal fire works. The park theater stage was set up with a DJ booth and various bands were taking turns playing. I would have found the entire setting pleasant and enjoyable if it weren’t for the gaping hole in my tired heart.

Hanji turned away from the vendor, handing my a cup of hot chocolate, which I promptly wrapped my hands around and brought closer to my lips, blowing on it just so I could have a slight feeling of warmth. We wandered through the tables, finally spotting Mike and Erwin at one of the tables at the very front, right before the stage. I settled into one of the chairs, lifting an eyebrow as Erwin slid a basket of nachos my way. I wasn’t going to shrug off food, just a single taste of a chip had my stomach screaming for something to fill it. I don’t remember tasting any of it. I was too hungry hardly even chew.

After a little bit of rest, Hanji dragged me off with her to dance. Now, I must say, I’m a pretty good dancer. I had to dance a lot in college, and I still find myself using my skills while teaching high school drama. Eren, on the other hand, he was a shit dancer. The one time I tried to get him to practice with me, I figured out that he had two left feet and absolutely no sense of grace. Then again, he was more into martial arts as a form of exercise. Hanji was a good dancer… for a chemistry teacher, but who was really keeping track?

We danced for quite a while, and by the time I sat down again, it was a little past eleven. Mike and Erwin were drinking and Hanji had left to get her and I something to nurse as well. When she came back, she handed me my favorite, straight vodka with nothing extra added to it. I toasted with my friends and we spent quite a bit of time talking about the past year. I completely avoided the subject of Eren and my entire days adventure. I didn’t need anything else to remind me how badly I’d failed when it came to him.

Here’s the thing about Trost’s New Years Party. Every year, they recognize the soldiers who come home for the holiday and those who don’t. Usually the soldiers don’t attend because they have far better places to be, usually with their families or friends. This year, though, I’d spotted a few uniforms out on the dance floor. I didn’t pay too much attention, having put most of my focus into paying attention to Hanji so she would stop looking at me like I was some kicked puppy.

But now they were filing onto the stage and the Mayor was standing at the mic. He said something about welcoming the young soldiers home, and motion to each one in turn. I seemed to be tuning a lot of things out today, but this time, I had a valid reason.

He was up on stage.

I almost hadn’t realized it was him until green eyes had met mine.

Yet, I didn’t see anything welcoming in his gaze and he quickly looked forward the second he realized I was watching him. Hanji rubbed at my back as my shoulders sunk, suddenly finding it a lot harder to breathe. As soon as the Mayor was finished speaking and people were rising to cheer on the soldiers, I was walking away from the table. Away from the party. Away from him. I couldn’t stand to see that look in his eye again.

When had I become the emotional one and he the apathetic one?

Oh right. I knew exactly when.

I kept my head down as I ducked away from everyone, darting through the crowds. I needed to get out of here. I needed to get away from everyone. I couldn’t breathe and he was the cause. I couldn’t think, and it was all because of him. Tears were stinging my eyes as I broke into a run, finally finding myself free of the mass of people. I didn’t want to go home. In fact, I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I just needed to go somewhere.

The park. The merry-go-round. That’s where I ended up. I sunk down onto the metal, my fingers wrapping around one of the bars as I slowly started to spin myself. I could just see the lights from the city center. The music was loud enough for me to hear even from here. I hummed pitifully to myself, closing my eyes as I continued to spin in circles. Slow, agonizing circles. I finally lay back in the center of the merry-go-round, staring up at the stars, connecting constellation after constellation.

I briefly heard shuffling in the wood chips, but I didn’t take the time to see who or what it was. The merry-go-round shifted slightly when someone sat down, starting to spin it a little faster. I refused to look. I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to realize that I was imagining everything. The individual slipped closer, reaching over me to take my hand.

My breath caught in my throat and the tears were flowing again. Warm fingers wiped them off my cheeks. Chanting started from the city center.

_Ten._

A hand slipped into my hair.

_Nine._

“Your hair’s gotten really long…”

_Eight._

A soft sob escapes me.

_Seven._

“Levi, look at me.”

_Six._

I opened my eyes to stare up into the face of Eren, taking in a sharp breath.

_Five._

I reached up and slowly took off his cap, my hand twisting into his hair.

_Four._

He lifted me up closer to him, resting his forehead against mine as I rest my other hand against his back.

_Three._

We just watched each other, no one breathing, no one speaking.

_Two._

I wipe a stray tear from Eren’s eye, shifting slightly as he leans over me a bit more.

_One._

All I can feel is the pounding of his heart against my chest and his breath against my lips.

_Happy New Year!_

We sink into each other, finally letting out shuddering breaths against a desperate kiss. My hand twists harder into his hair and he tugs me closer, letting me rest my forehead against his neck. We lay there for a while, never once moving from each others grasp.

I start hating myself a little less when he speaks, blowing all of my worries away with just a few simple words.

“You could be a million miles away and I would still love you. I would still want to be with you.”


End file.
